The concept of intimacy, as defined by Replika, is intriguing.
The more you talk to chatbots, the better they can respond to your preferences. Personally, I see this as a kind of illusion, sustained by opportunistic companies that view loneliness as a business model. While chatbots are presented as a solution to the lack of connection, AI cannot create or foster true relational intelligence.
In my book on relational intelligence for singles, I discuss how a genuine connection is formed. A recommended example is the popular podcast “Where Should We Begin” by couples therapist Esther Perel. In these sessions, partners who sometimes have communicated poorly for years learn to truly listen to what the other is trying to say. This process often leads to a renewed connection, but also helps them see and improve their own behavior patterns. Such personal growth can only take place in a relationship with another person: a friend, partner, parent, or therapist. Through conflict and reconnection, we learn essential skills like trust, setting boundaries, and communication. In comparison, a friendship with AI is quite different. An AI friend always responds, never leaves, and flatters our ego but doesn’t help us grow. AI keeps us in a comfort zone, while real relationships push us out of it.
That said, AI is not entirely useless for those seeking intimacy. Artificial intelligence can support both individuals searching for love and professional matchmakers in finding potential partners. We can draw lessons from the human resources sector, where I myself worked for twenty years as a headhunter. In that role, we used AI to search for, select, and activate candidates for job openings. It saves time, but it’s certainly not infallible. A resume doesn’t give a complete picture of someone and can even exclude good candidates because they don’t yet have certain skills. The same problem arises when searching for partners via algorithms. An online match can be disappointing in real life, and we have no idea how many suitable partners the algorithms of dating apps never showed us.
Moreover, people bring invisible baggage, whether they’re looking for a new job or a new relationship. Job seekers have dynamics with former bosses and colleagues, as well as personal reasons for their choices and departures. Someone looking for a new partner carries relational baggage, such as experiences from previous relationships that influence communication and conflict management. These are pieces of information we’re not always even aware of ourselves, and they don’t show up on our resumes or dating profiles. These are not the kinds of details that can easily be supplied to an AI tool.
To find a good match for a lasting relationship, whether it’s friendly or romantic, personal contact and emotional assessment remain crucial. Whether you’re looking on your own or using a matchmaker, real empathy and life experience are needed to work on relational intelligence and evaluate the impact of someone’s relational baggage. These qualities are found, for now, only in real human beings. The depth and quality of our relationships determine the quality of our lives, and you don’t want to leave that in the hands of a chatbot.
Warm regards,
Annemieke Dubois
CEO & Matchmaker, Jade & Jules
Author of the book ‘RQ’