Arguing about money remains a delicate issue. “When the money disappears, so does the love,” my mother used to say. In a relationship, money can be both the glue and the knife. It can strengthen your bond, but also poison it.

Money influences not only where you live, what car you drive, and the thickness of your wallet, but it also has a profound impact on relationships and the way you think and feel. Nothing confronts partners more with their own ideas and baggage than money and the conflicts that come with it.

Take, for example, the story of Sophie and David. Sophie feels it’s important to contribute her share during dinners, while David sees inviting her as a sign of masculinity. David loves new gadgets, while Sophie believes their money could be better spent. And when it comes to travel, Sophie prefers business class, while David is happy with economy.

Or imagine one partner is the primary breadwinner and earns significantly more than the other. This situation can create tensions when determining who pays for what and how much financial freedom each partner has. The partner with the higher income may want more control over how the money is spent and expect the other to adapt to their lifestyle and financial priorities. On the other hand, the lower-earning partner may feel frustrated or diminished because they don’t feel fully financially autonomous and may hesitate to make personal expenditures without permission or approval.

This can lead to conflicting expectations, feelings of inequality, and a lack of mutual respect within the relationship. Finding a balance between financial equality, individual freedom, and shared responsibility can be a challenge for affluent couples, often causing conflicts rooted in power and control dynamics.

These examples are just a few of the many situations that can lead to frustration between couples. Everyone has their own values and priorities when it comes to spending. It is crucial to talk openly about money, preferably early in the relationship, no matter how delicate it seems.

 

To make this easier, we suggest that partners ask themselves and each other the following questions:

• What is your and your partner’s financial profile?
• How sustainably do you manage money?
• Do you make sustainable investments, and if so, which ones?
• Are you willing to take risks, or are you more cautious and thoughtful with money?
• Do you believe that money is meant to be spent because you only live once?

Childhood money traumas, for instance due to poverty or bankruptcy, can trigger arguments about finances in a relationship. That’s why it’s helpful to discover what role and value money had in your childhood and your partner’s. Different backgrounds can lead to differing visions and lifestyles.

You can avoid financial conflicts by carefully creating a budget together and determining your contributions. It’s important that each partner retains sufficient financial freedom. This can be done by having, in addition to a joint account (if applicable), a personal account that each partner manages independently. Even if you don’t live together, it’s useful to have a system that determines who pays for what or keeps expenses fair and transparent.

 

Money is sometimes a bigger taboo in a relationship than sex

We may gladly talk about sex in couples, but for many, it’s difficult to openly discuss money and assets.

For example, 62% of women would rather talk about their weight than reveal the amount in their bank account. Even though couples enter relationships to share both joy and hardship, not all couples are open books when it comes to financial matters. One in five Belgians doesn’t know what their partner is financially “worth,” meaning they have no insight into their savings, investments, inheritances, or real estate.

Our discomfort stems from viewing money as a private matter. This idea is still passed down from generation to generation: not only between partners, but also to children, with very little financial transparency. Additionally, a lot of emotions are tied to numbers. Discussing money makes you vulnerable. For many, their paycheck reflects their personal worth. And nobody wants to feel inferior to another. But it’s important to detach your identity from money matters and simply strive for a healthy balance of financial independence.

Money and love don’t always go hand in hand and can sometimes lead to conflict. Moreover, money disputes are not easily forgotten. For example, if there were arguments about how much was spent during the previous vacation, those issues might resurface when planning the next one.

How can we prevent money from driving us apart? Annemieke says, “It’s okay to follow your heart, but that doesn’t mean you should switch off your brain. For both money and sex, the same golden rule applies: lay your ideas and desires on the table before problems arise.” This isn’t easy: we all carry financial baggage and have different norms and values. That’s why it’s so important to make money matters discussable. After all, you can’t live on love alone. Lay out not only your income and expenses but also your financial attitudes and values: What do you like (and spend a lot on)? How much do you try to save each month? How do you envision shared finances? From these different norms and values, you can create a common vision, define your savings goals, and delineate joint expenses.

 

TIPS:

– Overview provides clarity: Start by creating a clear overview of your income and expenses. Only then can you calculate your fixed costs and get a good understanding of your financial situation. If, after filling out the budget, you find that you’re living beyond your means, look for areas where you can cut expenses. Optimize your budget as much as possible!

– Open a joint account for shared expenses.

– Open a savings account for buying your house or other investments: Set up an automatic transfer from your joint account to a savings account each month through your online banking. This will be money for your shared future!

– Open an extra account for your relationship: You don’t need money to keep your relationship enjoyable, but it certainly makes things easier! It’s wonderful for your relationship to go away for a weekend now and then. Enjoy a stay together in another city in a nice hotel. Or consider going out to dinner together every month!

– Each keep a personal account: Keep your personal account separate from your joint account. Have your salary deposited into your own account. Save some money for yourself and use it to cover your own needs. From your personal account, transfer a fixed amount to your joint account each month. Do this as soon as your salary comes in! What you keep is for yourself. This way, both you and your partner know exactly where you stand. It also clarifies how much money can be spent on clothes, outings, and other personal matters, without putting the household at risk.

– Don’t let money make you happy: Money alone doesn’t bring happiness. You can avoid many money problems by detaching yourself from money and materialism.

– Be transparent about money matters: Ensure full transparency in your joint finances. It concerns both of you, so there should be no secrets or ambiguities. Avoid discussing financial issues during arguments.

– Your relationship is more important than money: Your relationship is not about money, but about love. By putting your relationship above money matters, you make your life and relationship more enjoyable and easier.