A large age difference
“For the past ten years, I’ve always had relationships with women who were more than twenty years younger than me. I didn’t seek it out; it just happened,” begins Frank. He grew up in a loving home, with a large family garden that served as a playground for the neighborhood kids.
He met his wife at a young age during a group trip to Japan. Her gaze, her smile, and their connection made his heart race. Six months later, he asked her to marry him. The first few years were wonderful, but the relentless pace of life and the arrival of their five children drove them apart. After 15 years of marriage, they decided to part ways.
Due to the lack of time for his children, the hectic life of being self-employed, financial stress, and his need for freedom and creativity, he decided to sell his business and pursue a life of freedom. He wanted to travel, enjoy life, and live as a photographer.
During a photo shoot, a young woman came along, hoping to become a model. In the studio, an inexplicable chemistry was evident in every photo. They decided to go to Italy together to continue the photo shoots and their intense conversations. They grew closer quickly. Since she was 30 years younger, he decided to keep things distant and professional.
On their last night, they talked on the warm rocks late into the night. It became difficult to deny the love and connection. “But a photographer doesn’t get involved with a model. And an older man doesn’t run off with a young woman,” he told himself. So, he didn’t give in to his feelings. Society imposes rules, and judgments follow if you don’t conform.
Annemieke: “There is still a taboo around a large age gap between partners. The larger the age difference, the higher the risk of separation, according to statistics. On the other hand, there are also many success stories where a significant age difference plays no role. Someone’s age doesn’t say much. What’s important is the life phase the partners are in, and whether their personalities, values, and visions are compatible.”
Are you in the same life phase?
A 55-year-old man who has sold his business and whose children have left the house is in a phase where he can enjoy freedom. A 38-year-old woman with a ticking biological clock and still building her career is in a different phase of life. Such a difference in life stages can eventually lead to friction, whether financially, emotionally, or physically.
If the life phases are different, the interests might be too. Perhaps she wants to party until dawn, while he prefers quiet dinners with friends. And that desire for children she doesn’t have yet may appear in two years.
How to Handle Reactions from Your Circle?
The partners’ social circles may also be shocked by a large age difference, often because they simply don’t understand. Out of fear or protection, they may pass judgment. This can prevent love from flourishing, placing (too much) pressure on the couple.
For some, though, a large age difference can be an advantage. For instance, the older partner may bring a sense of security and life experience, or the younger partner’s fresh energy may be contagious. Being in the same life phase, having common interests, and allowing each other to have the experiences they need are the most important factors in overcoming the age gap—in fact, just like in any loving relationship.
6 Tips from Matchmaker Annemieke for Couples with a Large Age Difference:
- Let go of what your social circle thinks.
- Know that you’re not alone.
- Be prepared for criticism.
- Make it clear to your circle that this is what you want.
- Focus on what truly matters in a healthy relationship.
- Be with him/her for the right reasons.